Vice. They set up a whole department in the police force to combat it, but now that I'm trying to give a couple of them away for a week or two so as to help with the baby making, there's not a copper around to hold my hand through it all.
What is my tax dollar paying for?
So I've decided to make the world a better place instead seeing as I can't sleep.
Simple plans are often the best, and being the simple type my plans are damn near foolproof.
The Cronulla riots a month or two back. The war in the middle east. White supremacist groups. Doily factories. Lets look at these undesirable aspects of the world in which we all live and finally work out what to do.
Here is my blueprint.
Blow up shoes in the shape of a banana.
Simple, effective and a boost to the local economy.
Set up a perimeter of riot police around the area of unrest. Everyone coming into the area is stopped.
"Good afternoon Sir, here for the riot are we"?
"Yeah pig, and there's nothing you can do about it"!!
"Not trying to stop you sir, just need you to sign for these and put them on, and then you're free to enter the melee. That's the ticket, just your size too. Have a nice day sir, through the barricades and off to the left. NEXT. Here for the riot are you sir? Very good. Just sign for this clown suit and in you go. And this gorilla outfit for the little lady. Very nice. Have fun, off to the left if you please".
And why stop there. Hire James Bond to infiltrate the terrorist cells and replace their clothes with tutus. All bombs could be exchanged for those fake jars of nuts with spring loaded snakes. How much authority would the Taliban be seen to have dressed in morning suits and scuba flippers?
It wouldn't necessarily make Bush and Howard look any sillier, but there's a limit to how far a good idea will run.
Well there's my brain slightly more melted than when I woke this morning. What else have I got?
It bugs me a little.
I'm not an Everest climbing sort of bloke. Hillary and I probably share similar quantities of chest hair, but seriously. I'm not at the other end of the scale either, reading about great achievement from my armchair and believing that I could do it if I could be buggered. Achievement in this world needs revising.
Just to change the subject, Mrs A. is off to bed. She whacked a mozzie tonight and I pointed out that the pointy part of its head was probably still in her arm. No amount of tweezering fixed the problem. Now she's worried that the NASA developed mattress may have matter transference qualities and that she may wake tomorrow half human and half insect. Well at least she was worried when I made the suggestion.
Anyway, redefining achievement.
Walking up a mountain may be physically very demanding, but the human body properly trained can do it. What about learning the kazoo so well that you are invited to join the London Philharmonic as first kazoo for a concert to honour the Queen?
That's achievement. Something so utterly ridiculous becoming reality through effort that would not normally be considered by the man in the street. Possibly not even by the man in the bathtub.
Or inventing a perpetual motion machine that functions at a temperature of absolute zero where all motion theoretically ceases, and then using it to end pollution and the greenhouse effect.
Or even getting a perfect score in pingu.
I think that may be enough tonight.