Wild camera angles focus quickly on a danger point and then move on. Briefly we see the raging torrent, the abundance of spiders, the vicious lurking low branch, the heaving cleavage. Well that's the reality show angle. The reality angle is that the spiders are St Andrew's Cross, non poisonous, inoffensive and very small, the rapids really is a misnomer, low branches are a danger only to those that don't avoid them and the heaving cleavage belonged to our intrepid Jack.
Part two from the Bronzed Aussie post
I think someone should do a thesis on emerging genres of stereotype. Television has the ability in a season to render preconceived notions of humanity based on last year’s shows superfluous. Outback Jack is case in point. There is a new stereotype emerging; but I see it as short lived, thriving in an environment of tropical destinations, beautiful women and those cane things that you stick in the ground and light. A perfect world where grass is the building material of choice and Chanel is the only outfitter for the natives.
Jack and the girls still fulfil all aspects of the intended stereotypes but the one of which I speak above is the compere of the show, the diminutive J.D. Hired from the ranks of the living undead who don't require a dental plan or any modern mechanical means of transport. Now I agree that equal opportunity employment is and should be the crux of any industry, but I just wasn't aware that supernatural beings went to auditions. In the blazing heat in the middle of the outback, J.D manages to appear on set suddenly from behind a tent in a movement that in most scenarios would require a puff of smoke and a floating albino tiger. And he does not sweat. He doesn't even glow.
I missed the beginning of last weeks show while flipping channels. This week I was front row centre. The first thing I noticed was that the opening song was "Land Down Under" very pointedly not sung by Men at Work. I can't imagine why Colin and the boys wouldn't rush for the opportunity to have their input into this show. They provided the soundtrack that backed up Paul Hogan as he sold this image of Down under to millions of shrimp eaters around the world.
Placing pampered urban women in canoes is genius. They had obviously been given practice in dodgem cars and used the canoes as effectively as a caveman might use a laptop. Two of the women who were paired up were Adrienne and Harmonie. (I learned two names, and then one was voted off) To watch the skill and determination they displayed as they steered to the edge of the stream and into a tree was breathtaking to watch. There is something I'm sure in the fact that the girls were outfitted in almost no clothes, but were each given a helmet. Someone missed the point of which area of their bodies had had the most money spent on it and should be protected. All of them, to a woman, overturned their canoe on a small area of rapids and immediately required our rugged Romeos assistance. As Jack swam towards one damsel in distress he forgot himself and nearly stood up giving away the reality of the depth of the water. The girls being saved were better trained and stayed floating on their backs as they were dragged to their comrades who were standing, knuckle clenched between teeth, knee deep in the raging torrent.
They arrived at the next camp strategically on the wrong side of a supposedly croc infested billabong. Jack immediately charged into the water with the throwaway line "Any croc will have to get through me before it gets to the girls". The scriptwriters had obviously decided to let that opportunity slip by.
Once on the safety of the opposite bank, Jack took the girls to a friends farm. Her name was Sharon, and being a good little woman she explained to the girls that the way to Jacks heart was to be dutiful and cook for him. Her outdated values and her teeth gave you some indication how long she’s been in the bush. I was reminded forcefully that this show was originally intended for the US market when they gave Sharon subtitles.
Sharon's idea of looking after your man led seamlessly into the next challenge with our friend J.D who directed our heroines to a small pool filled with an abundance of huge fish, which they were then made to catch for Jacks dinner, without any of the usual angling aids.
Based solely on this part of the show I have decided that I wish to be reincarnated as one of those fish.
Our eight bikini clad contestants donned large rubber gloves and competed in catching fish by hand, clutching the flapping creatures to their heaving bosoms, which they then dumped in Hessian sacks. (The fish, not the bosoms) The four women who caught the most fish got a date with Jack. The four who didn't played cook. The quote of the night goes to the singer of songs from episode one, (whom I shall for lack of better knowledge call Enid). After catching the fish and placing them in the sack where they died of suffocation, she said that she loved animals and could not cut them up for dinner as that would kill them.
Rivalry is now hotting up, and there is no pool of jelly or mud within Cooee to let off steam. The girls who were left to gut and cook the fish were ready to beat the bejesus out of one another. The four that were off for a romantic five-some hopped in a rowboat which Jack rowed across the lake to a tree house, blunt end first. The designated cooks walked across the same body of water later to serve dinner when the fish was done.
I like the idea of the tree house. Jack gets fame and fortune at the same time as being able to live out unrealized childhood dreams with a real tree house where he can take girls. My tree house always lacked a bar fridge. The cheese and crackers came out as did the beer. After they had eaten Jack asked three of the four girls to leave so he could spend some quality time with Adrienne who had caught the most fish. I was beginning to think Sharon had been right about the way to Jacks heart. Smooching ensued, even a little hand holding. I think the evidence is stacking up. With the tree house, the smooching and the hand holding, it's obvious that someone out there gave creative control to a seven year old.
After dinner Jack got another round of one on one special time and whilst Enid didn't sing this week, she was the only one with enough foresight to ask his star sign. Some people just have it and some don't. All the girls gave Jack reasons to keep them on, but one of them gave him extra incentive. After the others had gone to sleep she organised a quiet rendezvous between her, Jack and an infra red camera. The seven year old should have learned a thing or two if he was up late enough to watch.
Jack only had to give bad news to two girls this week, but his tears were no less eloquent. I was surprised to find Harmonie eliminated and Enid reprieved, but on learning of her good fortune Enid did proffer a high five and let Jack give her a smack on the arse.
Our intrepid heroes left us in some large Toyota Landcruisers that the factory had forgotten to finish, back in 1973. The last sound as they drove off camera was suspiciously like metal hitting a tree. Perhaps the canoes were safer after all.
8 out of 10 this week. Entertainment with less screaming.